I can still be fat and be proud of my body

I woke up earlier than usual today. 

I couldn’t fall back asleep so I did what any self-respecting 23-year-old would do:
scrolled through social media. 

During my scroll, I saw an ad for an app that helps you track weight loss.
It helps you track water intake, calories, your steps and it gives at-home workouts. 

It seemed easy to use so I downloaded it and it’s cool so far.
I’m just wondering how long it has before I send it to the app graveyard.
I have downloaded countless apps that are supposed to help you on your journey,
but none of them stuck. So we’ll see. I do know that it made me start to think about my life and body.

I’ve struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. 

As a kid, my mom took me to a nutritionist. 

I don’t remember going more than twice, but I do remember feeling ashamed. 

I was in the 3rd grade and weighed 120 lbs. 

I remember working really hard-- losing two lbs and giving up.

I kept thinking “All of that work? For what?”

As I got older-- I got bigger. 

I ate what I wanted and didn’t really care to be honest. 

I played sports like volleyball and tennis to stay active.

I was big-- but I wasn’t THAT big I would tell myself. 

I would think “As long as I never get THAT big, I’ll be okay.”

Now that I am 23 and I am THAT big, I realize how destructive those thoughts were.

How I looked down at larger fats and held myself on a different scale (pun intended). 

Now that I am 23 and I am what I didn’t want to be-- I am struggling to love myself.

Not because I am this big, but because of how I thought of my body and big bodies in general.

That I can’t be happy if I’m that big. That I can’t be happy if I don’t weigh less than 150 lbs. 

And the thing is it isn’t the weight that bothers me. It isn’t that number on the scale.
It’s that I can’t walk the block anymore without my back hurting or needing a break. 

What younger me didn’t realize is that it’s not about the numbers at all, but how you feel.
It’s loving yourself despite what you are told.

That although you are overweight/obese-- you are still worth loving. 

So my goal isn’t to lose weight. It’s to feel better. It’s to find a new outlet,
a new focus when it comes to my body. It’s paying attention to what I put into it.

If at the end of this I was still over 300 lbs, I won’t be disappointed in the journey. 

My goal is to know I am doing my best and giving my body the attention it deserves. 

I can still be fat and be proud of my body.