So I started taking my mental health serious, recently.I had mentioned going to therapy for years.
I mean--years.
My best friends can definitely attest to that.
They sat with me through rants, mental hi jacks.
Everything.
But a lot has been going on lately. So much so that I finally took that step.
I researched therapists who accepted my insurance.
I knew that I wanted a black woman, at the very least.
I wanted a queer person if I could find one.
I feel as if this was the biggest thing that slowed my process.
As I searched, I realized the lack of black mental health professionals, at least the lack of who take my insurance.
I settled for having a woman-- no matter the race.
I called several practices.
Most weren't taking on new patients
or despite saying somewhere that they took my coverage they actually did not.
This was extremely discouraging.
I kept thinking "The world tells you to seek help if you need it, but I am doing just that and I am grasping at straws."
I honestly was close to giving up, but I found someone who fit everything that I wanted.
She is a black woman. Accepting of both queer and polyamorous lifestyles. She took my coverage (NO COPAY). I couldn't believe the gem I had uncovered.
I didn't let myself get too excited because I still had to meet her and see if she was the right person for me off paper. So I set up an appointment and waited the two weeks.
During that time, I added more things to my mental list that I would bring up in my first session.
The list was at least a mile long. It focused a lot on relationship issues, which have been the main stresser for me and my partners lately.
I had become depressed, irritable, anxious, mean. Now some of these were always present, but others seemed to manifest as we embarked on a new relationship dynamic (throuple, triad, threesome--whichever term conveys the message for you).
I couldn't get a handle on my insecurities and lashing out. I blamed them (my partners) on lack of intimacy. I pushed them out of my life in ways thinking they were better off.
So I was extremely ready once the day came that I would have my first session.
There was a lot that led up to this moment. From my childhood to my relationships.
Walking in to the room I felt calm, but nervous.
I sat in the semi-comfy chair and started to talk. About my most recent trauma from my relationship. About how I felt left out. About how hopeless I feel.
She asked about my family and childhood. About the relationships I had with my siblings. My mom.
I never thought the opening up part would be an issue, but I found myself shaking and holding back tears the entire time. Partly, because most of these were open scars and all of the emotions were washing over me. Partly because I was afraid she would judge me. I was afraid she would reduce my pain in to nothing more than an argument gone wrong or a lovers quarrel.
But she didn't. She listened. She smiled when I said how much I loved my partners. She was reassuring when I said how alone I feel.
Before I knew it the 45 minutes were up.
I didn't feel necessarily different when it was over. I felt as if all of my wounds had been torn open and I couldn't find band aids to cover them. I felt exposed. But those wounds will heal with time.
I am an impatient person so I was worried that this won't change me. But I know this a journey that I will be on for a very long time. Even after I "fix" my relationships and become less depressed (hopefully). Even after I feel secure enough to end therapy. I will always be on this journey of mending my mental health. Not because I have infinite problems, but because issues never really go away. Hardships never really stop. Your past will always be there.
What will change is how I treat myself and others when my past clouds my head and judgment.
I hope that in the future I will choose to confide and cherish the ones I love instead of pushing them away.
Thank you to Joe, Nisha, Summer, Ky, Ashley, and Carlie for listening to me when I cried. To listening and being there for me even when you didn't have the strength to be. I know some of you may not have heard form me in a while, but I hope to fix that. I hope to be what you all are to me.
This is my first step. I am excited to see what this journey has in store.
