Remembering A Black Literary Icon: R.I.P. Toni Morrison

Toni Morrison passed away on Monday, August 5th.

It was made public the next day.
My colleague gave the news at a meeting and I audibly gasped.
I was in shock for a bit and was out of it for the rest of the meeting.

I was truly introduced to Morrison's work as a college junior with my first black, female college professor.

Professor Tait was a huge admirer of Morrison's work and had both "The Bluest Eye" and "Beloved" on her syllabus. My only exposure to "Beloved" was a failed attempt at reading the material in 7th grade. The library book is probably still buried somewhere in my mother's house.
So I wasn't quite sure what to expect from these stories. I didn't expect them to change the way I think about literature. To change the way I see black love and black struggle.

"Beloved" is a book that you have to read twice. At least I did. To catch the nuances Morrison conveys I needed to comb over the material. The story follows Sethe, a former slave, who can't heal the scars that slavery has left. She attempts to kill her children when someone tries to force them back in. She succeeded with her baby girl. Her two boys run away after that and its just her and her other daughter, Denver. Then comes in Paul D.

Sethe and Paul D worked the same plantation for years. Paul D. struggles with the past and what he endured during slavery. He keeps all of his feelings inside his "tobacco bin" of a heart.

So we have these two traumatized, broken people who have seen more evil than one can imagine. Sethe and Paul D. survived the worst of what the world could throw at you. Both were so damaged.
Yet, they found a strength within each other. They found love within each other. No matter the scars and bruisings, they found something worth holding on to.

This narrative enforced that black people are stringer than what the world wants them to believe. We can find a way to love through the struggle. Black love is the strongest there is.

Morrison inspired millions to love freely and openly. To invest in your mind and your heart. She was a true literary icon and a black hero. She will be truly missed.

My Journey To Mending My Mental Health: The First Step

So I started taking my mental health serious, recently.
I had mentioned going to therapy for years.
I mean--years.
My best friends can definitely attest to that.
They sat with me through rants, mental hi jacks.
Everything.

But a lot has been going on lately. So much so that I finally took that step.
I researched therapists who accepted my insurance.
I knew that I wanted a black woman, at the very least.
I wanted a queer person if I could find one.
I feel as if this was the biggest thing that slowed my process.

As I searched, I realized the lack of black mental health professionals, at least the lack of who take my insurance.
I settled for having a woman-- no matter the race.
I called several practices.
Most weren't taking on new patients
or despite saying somewhere that they took my coverage they actually did not.
This was extremely discouraging.
I kept thinking "The world tells you to seek help if you need it, but I am doing just that and I am grasping at straws."
I honestly was close to giving up, but I found someone who fit everything that I wanted.
She is a black woman. Accepting of both queer and polyamorous lifestyles. She took my coverage (NO COPAY). I couldn't believe the gem I had uncovered.

I didn't let myself get too excited because I still had to meet her and see if she was the right person for me off paper. So I set up an appointment and waited the two weeks.
During that time, I added more things to my mental list that I would bring up in my first session.
The list was at least a mile long. It focused a lot on relationship issues, which have been the main stresser for me and my partners lately.

I had become depressed, irritable, anxious, mean. Now some of these were always present, but others seemed to manifest as we embarked on a new relationship dynamic (throuple, triad, threesome--whichever term conveys the message for you).
I couldn't get a handle on my insecurities and lashing out. I blamed them (my partners) on lack of intimacy. I pushed them out of my life in ways thinking they were better off.
So I was extremely ready once the day came that I would have my first session.
There was a lot that led up to this moment. From my childhood to my relationships.

Walking in to the room I felt calm, but nervous.
I sat in the semi-comfy chair and started to talk. About my most recent trauma from my relationship. About how I felt left out. About how hopeless I feel.

She asked about my family and childhood. About the relationships I had with my siblings. My mom.
I never thought the opening up part would be an issue, but I found myself shaking and holding back tears the entire time. Partly, because most of these were open scars and all of the emotions were washing over me. Partly because I was afraid she would judge me. I was afraid she would reduce my pain in to nothing more than an argument gone wrong or a lovers quarrel.
But she didn't. She listened. She smiled when I said how much I loved my partners. She was reassuring when I said how alone I feel. 
Before I knew it the 45 minutes were up.

I didn't feel necessarily different when it was over. I felt as if all of my wounds had been torn open and I couldn't find band aids to cover them. I felt exposed. But those wounds will heal with time.

I am an impatient person so I was worried that this won't change me. But I know this a journey that I will be on for a very long time. Even after I "fix" my relationships and become less depressed (hopefully). Even after I feel secure enough to end therapy. I will always be on this journey of mending my mental health. Not because I have infinite problems, but because issues never really go away. Hardships never really stop. Your past will always be there.
What will change is how I treat myself and others when my past clouds my head and judgment.
I hope that in the future I will choose to confide and cherish the ones  I love instead of pushing them away.

Thank you to Joe, Nisha, Summer, Ky, Ashley, and Carlie for listening to me when I cried. To listening and being there for me even when you didn't have the strength to be. I know some of you may not have heard form me in a while, but I hope to fix that. I hope to be what you all are to me.

This is my first step. I am excited to see what this journey has in store.

My conversation with Tamara Leigh of Out Alliance, Rochester

Minding your business is good for your health: Response to fatphobic YT video

I came across a video the other day. A friend of mine called out the video on Facebook for being fatphobic. She wasn't wrong.
The title, which had some very clickbaity feels, was "The 'Body Positivity Movement' was hijacked by celebrating obesity".

I like to know what I am dissecting so I watched it.
It's a makeup tutorial/commentary video from Nappyheadedjojoba.
About 30 minutes of this straight sized black woman explaining what the body positivity movement should be.
She says it should celebrate cellulite and stretch marks and birthmarks.
When you type in body positivity into Instagram that is literally what you see, Sis.
This post right here from @chisajas is an example of that.
A masterpiece in a swimsuit with stretch marks and all. It's about knowing your worth no matter the scale and showing that confidence.

View this post on Instagram

I am a Masterpiece 👑 #changelives #live #movement #bodypositivity #fashion #plussizefashion #travel #style #selflove #plussize #freelance #blackgirlmagic #melanin #bbw #feminist #goals #alternative #blogger #journal #swimming #selfcare #beautiful #swimsuit #plus #fatshionista

A post shared by Chisa 🍃 (@chisajas) on Jun 1, 2019 at 8:26pm PDT

It's about new moms whose skin is stretched and will never be the same. It's about them finding love in the body that performed one of the most miraculous acts in the world.

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A post shared by Taralouise Folds (@mamafolds) on Jun 3, 2019 at 2:09am PDT

 It's about wearing fewer clothes because it's hot and you deserve to dress how you want.
#fattiewearincrops

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Amazing positivity post from @caileydarling ! So beautiful 😍 • • #bodypositivity #bodypositive #selflove #fitness #body #gay #bodybuilding #loveyourself #effyourbeautystandards #gym #love #plussize #motivation #fitnessmotivation #fitfam #plussizefashion #mentalhealth #workout #beauty #weightloss #feminism #selfcare #healthy #plussizemodel #confidence #bopo #fashion #bodytransformation #happy #bhfyp

A post shared by Promotion of Positivity (@promotion.of.positivity) on Jun 3, 2019 at 2

#fattiewear2pieces #weswimtoo

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A post shared by ❀FatFemPinUp❀ (@fatfempinup) on May 26, 2019 at 2:12pm PDT

I ask, has she actually followed body positivity social media? Like, at all?
Danielle Brooks, Ashley Graham, Tess Holiday,  and Chisa are just a few.
There are hundreds of fat beings who are pushing for this kind of self-love.
Never do I see an actual weight tagged on to these posts because it's not about numbers.
Why didn't she research before making this video? If she had, she would have seen that a majority of the influencers never bring in weight or an actual numerical value.
We all know the scales they use to judge us are extremely outdated.
She herself even said she is considered obese.

The weight chart on American Cancer Society says a woman who is 19 years old should weigh 114 pounds.
My 16-year-old little sister who is not overweight, who runs track and does drill weighs 20 pounds more.
The youtuber goes into how the mass of muscle and fat are different.
Which may be why my sister weighs more. However, it still doesn't change the fact that we use outdated methods to determine someone's health.

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A post shared by UK's 1st + Size Dance Class 🇬🇧 (@thecurvecatwalk) on Jun 3, 2019 at 1:54am PDT

Now, this video started with her saying a radio DJ called for women who weigh over 200 lbs to call in for Thick Thursday. She explains that she reached 197 before so she understands issues with weight. And not invalidate those who are under 200, but she was still considered acceptable. At least in the radio DJ's eyes which bases the start of the video on so, we might as well go with it.

Nappyheadedjojoba goes on to say "Love yourself at any size".
All I could think of at this moment is "as long as you approve of it right"?
Because my worth is definitely determined by a scale and someone who doesn't even know me.
You also have no idea what people are doing to live and improve their lives.

Nappyjojoba has days where she wants to just throw her whole body away---alright.
Try being more than 300 pounds and walking into a gym and feeling out of place? The snickers? The looks? Yeah, those days I want to do the same. But how can you make a video that will inherently make some women feel like shit and then say "oh, me too"?

Positive choices and changes are not easy, but this movement calls to love yourself even when you fail to make that positive choice. Because you're human. You have your life to live and you deserve to live it how you wish. Not listening to pseudo "well-wishers" who say you're unhealthy but don't have a medical degree in sight.
If people are comfortable, let them be comfortable.

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A post shared by Rachel (@rfaivrecarver) on Jun 3, 2019 at 12:40am PDT

I feel good in my skin.
I feel good in my fat.
I feel good about myself no matter what she or any other do-gooders say.

The body positive movement celebrates self-love without judgment.
Maybe if she actually followed it she would know that.
#fatandIknowit #effyourbeautystandards

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A post shared by Danielle Brooks (@daniebb3) on Dec 28, 2017 at 7:45am PST

"Loqueesha": black fat women can make it as long as they are actually middle-aged white men

You may have seen a movie trailer floating around about a white man posing as a black woman on the radio and becoming a hit sensation.
The movie is "Loqueesha" and I cannot believe that this story pitch made it all the way to a release date and not one person thought something was wrong with it.
I was absolutely appalled when I saw the trailer, but not surprised.
The movie world has always made fat, black women the butt of the joke.
They were never the leading character or the love interest.
Even here--a movie centered around a fat, black woman--and a white man plays her.

The trailer introduces us to this bland middle-aged white man who is adequate at giving advice.
He attempts to break into radio with his own show but is shut down.
Consequently, he needs money to send his white average child to be around other rich, average white children.
When he is shut down-- he takes the road most below average racists white people take. 
A black person would have got this job. 
"If I was a black woman, I'd be perfect for this."

Whenever people begin that phrase it usually ends with someone saying some B.S. like this.
Let me give you a few examples of how to correctly finish that phrase:

"If I was a black woman, I'd be the last option to most for dating"
"If I was a black woman, I'd be over sexualized and underappreciated"
"If I was a black woman, I'd face scrutiny for not catering to a man."
"If I was a black woman, I'd make less money than white men, white women, Asian women, and Native women."
"If I was a black woman, and I asked for help I'd be seen as a welfare queen."

That's better.

The trailer further incriminates itself as the "co-signers" pop up.
"Co-signers" are the black people who are there to say it's okay, speaking on behalf of the rest of us.
The black woman we see is a conventionally attractive, slim, light-skinned woman. The man is pretty much the same. Neither are bigger or as dark as the caricature of Loqueesha is portrayed to be in the movie poster.

The character Loqueesha is just that-- a caricature.
She is mean to callers, she is rude, and she even hangs up on a suicidal caller.
However, she is painted as matronly. As a woman, you could be friends with.
You even get to see a "co-signer" who is a bigger, black woman who loves the sham of a radio personality.
A big, black woman you can trust leads back to the Mammy trope. 
It's why they paint her as such because many white people and their ancestors grew up suckling the breast of a fat, black woman while her child faced malnourishment. 

This is modern day blackface. The poster is a black woman's face split over the lead actor's. Like a fat, black woman trapped in a white man's body. And of course, he does utter that line. As if all it takes to be a black woman is to be rude and have a voice inflection. 
I take personal offense as a fat, black woman in radio. I feel like this movie spit in my face and laughed. I can count on one hand the number of black women in Rochester media. Same goes for the amount of black, fat women I see on radio and tv. 

Come tell me how easy it is to make it in radio--the fat, black woman who has a broadcasting degree. 
The fat, black woman who wants a shot in radio and who is going to have to fight for her sot with every inch of her being. 
The fat, black girl who didn't have one professor who looked like her, but still pushed because there has to be a place for me in this business. I have the voice, a personality, and ambition. 
And there is a spot. I guess this movie is proof that a white man has taken my spot. 
As usual.